Dead Office Space
by Rin-neechan
Summary: Isaac's best day ever, literally and sarcastically. Takes place at least one year before the events of the game. Rated for language.


So in three days time my two buddies; Google, Mack and I managed to play through Dead Space. Of course, once we were finished, and even before we were finished, we had to start cracking jokes about it. So in collaboration with them, this fic was born. Thanks for the help guys, you're both awesome and I love you.

Please note that it is meant to take place a year or two before the incident on the USG Ishimura.

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An insanely loud and piercing noise woke Isaac Clarke from his sleep violently. He shot out of bed and grunted as he covered his ears, searching the room for the source of the noise. While glancing around, he spied his alarm clock on his night table reading 4:17am. Suddenly annoyed by more than the loud noise, he got out of bed and made his way into his living room to find the fire alarm going off and the strobe light active. Remembering that the alarm could only be shut off from the panel outside his apartment, he opened the front door and walked out, still wearing nothing but his boxers and wife-beater.

Once he reached the panel, Isaac saw a very flustered and confused technician messing with the numerous wires while being yelled at by other residents of his complex. Exhibiting the same sympathy for the man as his neighbors were so keen on vocalizing, he approached the fumbling idiot and yelled above the alarm.

"What the hell did you do!?" The young technician let go of the wires and stepped back.

"I don't know! I tried to, like, reconnect the circuit after trying to install a new system, but it tripped the alarm!"

"Move!" Isaac snapped unnecessarily as he pushed the young man anyway and knelt down in front of the circuit. Within another ten seconds, the alarm and strobe had disengaged. Without a word of thanks, Isaac's neighbors retreated back to their apartments. Isaac rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed loudly, getting up from the panel and ready to make his way back to bed when the technician stopped him.

"Hey man, could you like, install the new system? All you did was shut off the alarm, and we like, can't leave it that way." Isaac kicked himself for even bothering to help in the first place and after a quick read of the installation manual, he knew this would take some time.

"You can't be fucking serious, right?" Isaac asked more to himself than the kid who had made his way back to his truck to get more equipment as Isaac got to work.

He finally finished the repair and installation of the fire alarm system and made his way back inside without a word to the young technician. Looking at his clock again confused Isaac, as the time of 3:24am was flashing. He gasped loudly when he realized that the clock was flashing because at some point in the night as he was working on the alarm, the power must have gone out and come back on. Isaac reached for his RIG to check for the actual time, and suddenly began to scatter around, grabbing everything he needed for work. To be at work on time, he needed to usually leave no later than 6:30am.

It was 7:06am.

Isaac loaded his equipment into his car and sped off to work. As he drove, Isaac watched the road carefully, not wanting to be pulled over, or worse, stopped at a corner by one of those Unitologist preachers. The last thing he needed was a speeding ticket or an earful about embracing his death from a freaky cult member. Not far down the road from his home, Isaac was stopped in a large traffic jam. In frustration, he slammed his head into the steering wheel. After lifting his head, he attempted to look down the street at what was causing the traffic. He slammed his head into the steering wheel a second time when he realized that the problem was a malfunctioning traffic light several streets down.

Suddenly grateful for his degree in engineering, he got out of his car and jogged the few blocks to the broken light. It must have broken recently, as there was nobody around trying to fix it. Once again, with a few wire connections and button pushing, the light was functional and traffic started moving again. Isaac didn't bother rushing back to his car and consideration for the people parked behind him wasn't the reason either. He knew at this point that he was already going to be reamed at work for being late, so he wasn't about to rush into something he already wasn't looking forward to.

Finally pulling into his parking space at work and grabbing his equipment from the trunk, of his car he headed toward the main doors. With his foot not even fully through the door, his RIG LINK came up with his coworker, Kendra Daniels' face -looking rather annoyed.

"Isaac, where have you been? The air conditioning is broken. Could you fix it? And hurry it up, it's really hot in here." The RIG LINK disconnected as Isaac facepalmed. Putting on his helmet and clocking in for work, he made his way to the air conditioning control unit in the Zero-Gravity Room.

Stepping into the cylindrical room and looking around, Isaac noticed sparks coming from the fuse box farthest from him. Isaac launched himself towards the box and walked the rest of the way, which turned him completely upside down from the door. He was suddenly grateful for the Zero Gravity or he'd have just what he needed to turn his headache into a full blow migraine. He opened the fuse box and was suddenly extremely ungrateful for the lack of gravity when a small explosion sent him rocketing towards the metal walls. His RIG's armor managed to keep him mostly unharmed, but his back was going to kill him later from hitting the wall as hard as he did. Letting the initial stinging pain pass, Isaac got back his footing and made his way to the fuse again. This time, Isaac was careful not to get too close before getting to work replacing the blown fuses.

After about thirty minutes, Isaac exited the room, now starting to feel the pain of his collision with the wall in his shoulder blades. As he was reaching around his back to adjust himself, his RIG LINK connected to Kendra's again.

"Isaac, I really need to pee and the bathroom door is spazzing again. Come here and Stasis it." Isaac rubbed his throbbing head and made his way to the ladies bathroom to find Kendra holding her crotch, and jumping up and down.

"What took you so long!? I'm about to piss myself!" Kendra whined, but instead of arguing that he took no longer than one minute to get to her after receiving her call, Isaac simply used his Stasis on the door. Kendra walked in and Isaac thought he was almost rid of her, but she immediately turned back around.

"Isaac, wait here so you can let me out again." Isaac pondered leaving Kendra in the bathroom, but figured she would pester him over the RIG LINK until, and after, he came back to let her out, he decided against it. He waited several minutes for her to finish, before letting her out, and watched her walk away without a word. Wanting to avoid this problem yet again, Isaac began to fix the door controls.

No sooner had he fixed the door, and tested it, then did the RIG LINK connect again. This time to another coworker, Zach Hammond.

"Hey Isaac. Do me a favor. I was working on the roof this morning when I broke the AC, and I dropped my inhaler there. I really need it right now, so can you go and get it?" Hammond didn't wait for Isaac's response before disconnecting his signal, forcing him to comply. Once in the elevator, of course, somebody had to stop him on every floor needing to board. Finally getting to the top floor and climbing a flight of stairs, he exited the building to the roof and looked around for Hammond's inhaler. He found it on ground near the door. Not even one second after picking it up, Hammond appeared on his RIG LINK again.

"Oh good, you found it! Bring it to me, will you? I'm in the basement." Once again disconnecting before Isaac could answer. Isaac took a moment and relaxed his arms, slumping them to his sides. Standing up straight again, he removed his helmet, took a deep breath, and screamed every known curse word in the English language at the top of his lungs while flailing his arms around, vigorously punching the air.

Once through with his hissy fit, Isaac got back on the elevator and headed to the basement to deliver Hammond's inhaler. He got off the elevator and followed his navigator to Hammond who was in the basement locker room. Isaac entered the room finding Hammond sitting next to his locker, unwrapping a twinkie and sipping at hot coffee. Isaac momentarily contemplated throwing Hammond's inhaler at the ungrateful lout's head and leaving -but he didn't. Stretching his arm out to hand Hammond his inhaler, Isaac thought of a better idea. As Hammond reached forward to take it, Isaac pulled his arm back at the last minute.

"Come on, Isaac! I can't breathe here!" Hammond whined at Isaac's joke. Isaac reached out again, only to retract again when Hammond reached forward.

"Isaac! What the hell?" Hammond asked again, now wheezing heavily.

Isaac said nothing as he reached out with his empty hand, waiting for Hammond to give him what he wanted. With a sigh, Hammond handed over his twinkie, realizing that he needed to breathe more than snack. He gave Isaac his twinkie and snatched his inhaler from him. Isaac turned on his heel and exited the locker room, putting the twinkie in his inventory.

Realizing he was tired of the elevator, Isaac made for the stairs to finally get to his work station. He sat down in front of piles of paperwork and several small broken machines needing repairs. Before beginning anything, a rather obese coworker of his bursted into his work station.

"Clarke! The elevator's broken!" Isaac didn't bother turning around in his chair, much less get up. He simply stared at his computer screen and uttered three words.

"Take the stairs."

"But I'm going to the seventeenth floor!" Came the bloated man's incessant whine. Isaac slowly turned around in his chair to look at his coworker. He stood up and pulled the twinkie out of his inventory and handed it to him.

"Ration it. It'll be a long walk." Isaac said blankly as his coworker took the twinkie from him, staring just as blankly, though obviously confused. Isaac then sat back down and picked up one of the broken machines at his station. As he began to examine it, he heard the door open and shut behind him. A smile crossed his face with the satisfaction of knowing that the elevator wasn't his problem, and he was letting somebody else deal with it. Before he knew it, without any interruptions, he finished repairing the machine in his hand in just fifteen minutes. Rubbing his chin thoughtfully, he took a moment and turned on his computer to write a report for his company's financial department. He found that most of the problems with the machinery he was being roped into fixing was being caused by the semiconductors his company was installing into them. Most of them made of rubies or diamonds. He wasn't sure why his company invested in them, they were unbelievably expensive and terrible conductors of electricity. He thought any moron would know that the structure of the carbon atoms in diamonds and aluminum oxide with chromium in rubies wouldn't allow for the flow of electrons and current. In fact, the only semiconductors that worked well were the gold semiconductors they were buying, but even those were incredibly pricey. As he wrote, he concluded with a suggestion that his company should stop investing in gold, ruby and diamond conductors and possibly buy copper conductors instead. He put the icing on the cake when he wrote that not only would they be a fraction of the price they were used to paying, thus leaving some of their budget handy for much needed raises and better equipment, but they would work just as well and most likely last longer.

With a feeling of accomplishment, Isaac printed his report and walked it to the financial department. He took it to the head financial adviser of the company and waited patiently with his head held high, waiting to hear praise from his superior when the man finished reading. Unfortunately, wishful thinking never worked.

"So Clarke, you're suggesting that we invest in copper semiconductors from now on, is that right?"

"Yes, is there a problem?" Isaac responded, rather baffled at why the financial department would turn down a perfectly good suggestion to cut down costs without cutting jobs or selling useful equipment.

"Well Clarke, isn't the fact that things always break around here your job security?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Isaac wanted to believe that this man wasn't hinting what the thought he was hinting. Instead of giving Isaac a straighter answer, he instead turned in his chair and continued whatever work he was doing.

"What are you waiting for? The elevator's still broken. Hop to it, Clarke." Normally Isaac would simply turn around and get back to work, but for some reason, he found himself paralyzed. He needed a moment to let all that sink in. Once he finally found himself, he left the executive offices, but before making his way to the elevator control panel, he stood outside the executive door for another few seconds. Whatever frustration he had eased in the time he typed up that report instantly came back the moment he stepped out the door. Isaac attempted to rub his face only to remember his helmet was still on, as his hands came down from his face and tensed like he was about to scratch somebody as his mouth involuntarily tried to utter out more profanity, but his self control allowed him no more than a hissing fffffffff sound.

Composing himself, he went to the elevator control panel only to find that the problem was the mechanism itself, which was only one more thing to make his life difficult. This meant he'd have to take the stairs to the maintenance roof and open up the elevator shaft at the highest level to see the mechanism. Thankfully he was more resourceful than his obese coworker, and turned off the gravity in the stairwell so he could jump to the top level. Restoring the gravity, he made his way to the elevator shaft to examine the mechanism and after a brief examination he found that the gears were in need of a little greasing. Again, an easy job that took him no more than five minutes to complete.

He tested the elevator to find it working fine, turned the power back on in the control panel and closed the shaft door. With a glance at his RIG, he found that everybody was about to take lunch. Somehow, Isaac wasn't even excited for a thirty minute break to eat but started going to the cafeteria anyway.

Isaac got his tray of food, and began searching around for a place to sit when Kendra and Hammond waved him down to a seat near the window. Isaac took a moment and waited before putting down his tray. He looked around, and slowly placed his tray on the table, getting him weird looks from Kendra and Zach. He kept glancing around the room as he very slowly took his seat in front of his food. Others may have thought Isaac's behavior was strange, but he was just waiting for something -anything- that would come between him and his lunch. He wasn't going to be surprised by it, but wanted to be ready either way.

"Isaac, what's your problem today?" Hammond finally asked not sounding very concerned. Isaac was about to remove his helmet and answer Hammond's question that today just wasn't going well for him when a loud thump startled all three of them, making them jump out of their seats. A bird that had been flying by had crashed right into the window they were sitting in front of and was now plastered on the glass like a big red splatter of paint.

"Nobody move! I'll get it!" Isaac hollered before anybody could ask him to take care it. Little did they know that Isaac was on his final straw. He knew full well that the pulley system that the custodians used to wash the windows of the building was out of order, so he cranked open a window in the next room and stepped out onto the extremely thin window ledge for that floor. Strangely enough, Isaac wasn't frightened by the height or even the fact that one wrong step could mean his death. He was in such a strong uncaring state of mind at that moment, he figured that if he died, at least then nobody could pester him anymore -that is if God was as good as people claimed. He shimmied to the other window with a window cleaner in one hand, reached over to the splatter and wiped it clean, throwing the carcass of the bird down to the ground, not caring if anybody was walking along the street beneath him.

No sooner had Isaac got back to the cafeteria and sat back down to finally eat his lunch, which had long gone cold then a ray from a plasma cutter rocketed past him just barely missed his head and completely shattering the window he just washed. He looked up from his tray at the idiot who decided it was a good idea to fire a plasma cutter in the cafeteria and stared Ripper Blades into him. Completely fed up, Isaac left his lunch behind and went to clock out. If anything else broke today, they'd have to deal with it. He was done. He clocked out and walked out to his car and began to drive home. Thankfully at this time of day, there wasn't any traffic to worry about -granted there weren't anymore broken lights ahead of him. The drive home was relatively pleasant, and Isaac started to think about the first thing he'd do when he got home. It was a close tie between order pizza and watch sport center or call his mother so he could annoy her by telling her, a strong practicing Unitologist, that Unitology was bullshit.

Isaac pulled into his parking space at home and reached for the ignition to shut his car off when his RIG LINK connected.

"Isaac, the gravity controls in the building are all offline! You need to come back and fix them! And do something about that broken window in the cafeteria!" Kendra yelled as various people were flailing around in the background floating aimlessly since they weren't using Zero-G magnetic boots. His RIG disconnected, so he was no longer entertained by watching his coworkers get tossed around like rag dolls in Satan's Zero-G playground, but told himself that if anybody dared to ask him to do anything else today, he swore he would use his plasma cutter to dismember them, and for good measure, stomp all over whatever is left as hard as he can until he was satisfied.

Back at work, he put his helmet on and took the elevator to the basement where the master control for the gravity was. What he saw there made him want to bitch slap the next person he saw with his plasma cutter. The only thing wrong was the battery that was powering the gravity controls needed replacing. Something that anybody in the building could've easily done without him. He turned the master power off and used his Kinesis to pull out the massive battery and placed it in a maintenance closet to recharge. Pulling out a fresh battery, he fitted it into the large slot and before reactivating the power, he turned around to see his coworkers floating around, and looked for the one highest from the ground and in the most obscure position. He smiled evilly, behind the visor of his helmet and activated the console, paying close attention as they all fell to the ground but laughing to himself when the poor fool highest up fell flat on his head on the metal floor and began moaning in pain. Isaac walked around them all back to the elevator and headed for the next floor. This was a huge waste of time, but at least he was entertained by it.

After double and triple checking the gravity controls and replacing the broken window in the cafeteria he finally left work for good. Once back home, his mind wandered back to his original idea of what he would do when he got home. Watch sports center, or call his mother to annoy her for a good laugh. Not really wanting to hear his mother at the moment, the TV won and he reached for the remote to turn it on. Isaac wasn't surprised to see his RIG LINK connect again. This time thankfully it wasn't work, but it was worse than that. His mother. He had wanted to call and annoy her, but whenever she called him, it was the exact opposite.

"Hello, Isaac."

"Hi, mom." Isaac said, resting his face on his fist, and rolling his eyes, hoping this would be quick.

"You haven't called in a while, Isaac." His mother sounded angry, but also like she was trying to tug his heartstrings or make him feel bad for not calling recently.

"I've been working, mom." He wasn't lying, but that was never good enough for his mother.

"Too busy to call your mother? Have you been going to church?" And then it began, but it wasn't fun for Isaac.

"Mom, please, can we not talk about this again?"

"Isaac, how am I supposed to accept the fact that my baby isn't going to live on after death? That he hasn't accepted the will of Altman? Or the extinction of the human race? Unitology is freedom, Isaac! It's eternity--." Eventually Isaac did what he always did. Tuned his mother out and randomly nodded, so she would think he was still listening. After tuning her out, Isaac knew the drill. Blah blah blah, Unitology. Blah blah blah, Altman. Blah blah blah, your father. Blah blah blah, get married. Blah blah blah, grandchildren. When Isaac's RIG LINK started picking up another signal, he felt ready to sing praises to someone for giving him a perfect excuse to shut his mother up.

"Hey mom, work's calling, I have to go! Love you, bye!" Isaac disconnected with her and answered the other signal, praying to himself that it wasn't his job again, but quickly remembered his dismemberment plan if it was. He threw his head back in his couch and waited to hear whoever it was who was on the other end of the signal.

"This is Clarke." Isaac answered when he heard nobody speak on the other end.

"You look like you've had a rough day, Isaac." Isaac looked at his RIG LINK and found that it was his girlfriend, Nicole Brennan, who had called him. Normally he'd be happy to hear form her, but recently, not so much. He remembered meeting her when his company had responded to a maintenance call from the hospital she worked at. She was pretty and stood out amongst the other medics there, but for some reason he was starting to forget what made her stand out to him. They'd been dating for about three months and they both worked all day, were dead tired when they got home, and hardly got any time for actual dates. Isaac was beginning to think that dating her wasn't worth it anymore and was thinking about breaking up. He wasn't getting any younger and if he ever wanted his mother to shut up about him getting married and her seeing her grandchildren before she was "reborn" he needed to find somebody who was serious. Ultimately, he decided that he didn't want to end it via RIG LINK, he figured maybe this coming weekend, they'd meet up and talk about things.

"Yeah, I did. Since four in the morning." Isaac ran his hands over his face several times to try and get rid of the dark circles he knew were under his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Isaac." He was about to say that she had nothing to be sorry for, but she continued.

"So I was going to ask you--" He cut her off, almost certain what the problem was.

"The remote probably just needs new batteries, Nicole." Isaac rested his elbow on the arm of his chair and grabbed his forehead as he spoke, barely looking at the RIG LINK.

"Oh no, Isaac that's not--"

"Did you try turning it on with the power button on the TV?"

"Isaac, listen, I'm not--"

"Is the TV plugged in?"

"Isaac--"

"Yes, you need to buy the TV first."

"Isaac!" Nicole yelled in frustration, finally catching Isaac's attention and Isaac stopped interrupting her.

"I didn't call you to ask how to fix anything." Isaac narrowed his eyes almost as if trying to break her obvious lie.

"Are you sure?" He watched Nicole roll her eyes and giggle a little bit.

"Yes, I'm sure. What I was about to ask is if you want me to come over and cook dinner for you?" Isaac froze, unable to move or answer.

Nicole continued, either unaware of Isaac's silence, or not acknowledging it, "You could take a hot bath and relax while I'm cooking, and maybe after we eat I could give you a massage while you have a beer and watch the Zero-G Basketball game. I don't work tomorrow, so maybe I could spend the night too. How does that sound, Isaac?"

Isaac stared at the RIG LINK in disbelief. But Nicole really was there, with her head slightly tilted to one side, waiting patiently for his response. As Isaac stared, a single tear flowed down his face as he leaned closer to the projected image of his beautiful blonde-haired angel.

"I love you." Were the only words he could manage to say as he reached forward with his hand, even knowing he couldn't touch her.

"I'll take that as a yes. I'm on my way. I love you too." Nicole said with a smile that could melt the ice around any heart as she followed Isaac's example and reached forward. She disconnected the RIG LINK and Isaac let a few more tears make their way down his face.

If sometime in the future, somebody ever asked Isaac why he loved Nicole so much, his answer would be short and simple.

She offered to do something for him.

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Again, my love and thanks goes out to Google and Mack for their editing and writing help. I couldn't have tortured Isaac as horribly as I did without them and their suggestions. Oh my God! Metal GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR!!!

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